[vulnerable] I was lonely, scared and desperate

[vulnerable] I was lonely, scared and desperate

SCROLL DOWN ↓

[vulnerable] I was lonely, scared and desperate

10 years ago, I spent Christmas alone.

Divorced and living in a country where I had no real friends.

Virtually penniless.

Lonely and choking on my own misery.

And as I type this, I still can’t believe it.

Because it feels like 3 lifetime’s ago.

An amazing thing happens when you’re stuck in the shit.

You start believing that you’ll be there forever.

That the reality you see, experience and FEEL every single day is the reality you’re going to be waking up to every single next day.

Maybe you can’t relate to the kind of agony I’m talking about with my 10 year ago self.

Maybe you can.

But “stuck in the shit” doesn’t have to involve the suffocating gloom of not really knowing if you’d be better off alive or dead (and not really being certain if anyone else would care anyways).

“Stuck in the shit” can also mean a few days worth of not being able to get out of your own way.

A few weeks of overthinking things so much, you forget what you were supposed to be thinking about to begin with.

Or doubting yourself with such an intensity, you end up wondering if you should just stop what you’re doing and start something different.

My awe from 2:30 this morning – the awe that had me wide awake and happy to be so – was just how much life can change.

10 years ago I was alone.

But not just in the physical sense of I had no one to share Christmas with.

I was alone from the inside-out.

That empty despair that feels like it’s swallowing you whole from the inside.

And I was broke.

But not just in the “I don’t have much money” sense.

3 weeks before Christmas that year, I received a letter from the IRS.

Telling me that because of my accountants lack of responsibility (which was actually MY lack of responsibility), I owed the federal government a grand total of $32,000 in back taxes.

(Having a personal credit card debt of $5,000 didn’t help matters).

My “awe” this morning started when I thought about the coming weekend.

And how I’m driving 45 minutes north – into the mountains – so I can close on a second home.

In truth – and absent arrogance – it’s not really a home I need.

But it fits into the budget without problem and will serve as a lovely weekend sanctuary.

A sanctuary I get to share with an angel (you may know her as “Carrie”).

An angel and our two wee ones.

10 years ago, this was an impossibility.

At best, the desperate dreams of a man who could barely stand to look reality in the face on most days.

But here I am.

Awake at 2:30 in the morning.

And in awe.

It can change.

It does change.

You have to decide to create the change.

And you have to work to make it change.

But change it does.

So no matter where “stuck in the shit” you may find yourself right now, please don’t soon forget this post.

This isn’t a “success story”.

It’s a walking testament to what YOU’RE capable of.

If I hadn’t lived it, I may not believe it.

But I did.

And so I do.

Eliminate Your Limits.

With love,

Brian & Carrie

Comments are closed